yelena_z_11

Первый вариант.
Второй вариант, авторизованный (курсивом выделены пассажи, добавленные сантопевцем позже):

It's best that you don't run for Santa,
Let me tell you why:
I'm losing all my money
For I've gotten every child in the world
Every present on their list,
Exept for one child.
I forgot one present,
So I had to give him my empty toy sack.
He didn't even use it for carrying books;
He just wanted an item.

People say good children get the toys,but that's not right.
How do I even know whether they're good or bad? I don't have cameras in their homes.
But then I had an idea.
I decided to actually try using hidden cameras in their homes this year.
You'll see where it gets me, pretty soon in my writing.

After all this giving, and giving, and giving,
All I get in return is some cookies and milk under the Christmas Tree,
Stuck with a bunch of pine-needles and dirt all over them.
Some are home-made, so they are crispy and burnt,
And even the types I am allergic to, I have to eat,
Or else I break the tradition.
So don't ask why I'm fat and don't ask why I have so many allergic reactions.

Even as I slide down through the chimneys,
The fireplaces are lit,
So along with the burnt cookies I have a burnt butt.
Why can't they just open the door for me,
Like any good host does?!
As I walk inside, I see the parents there
With a baseball bat in one hand and a frying pan in the other.
And since I am Santa and I have to be nice -
What kind of Santa would I be otherwise? -
All I can do is defend myself - with one hand -

And as the blows strike my elbows,
I have to arrange all THEIR presents
Very nicely, and decoratively and pretty.
God forbid one box to be slanted a bit or turned over!

And now here's what's become of me:
The police department found out that I have been whipping my magical raindeer
And using them to travel,
So I had a big lawsuit for animal abuse.
And they've thrown me in jail -
And you remember about trying to use hidden cameras in homes?
They filed another lawsuit, and now my wife is homeless.
And soon they also remembered the elves.
And then another lawsuit came,
But since they had nothing to claim,
They decided all they'll give me is a cage
To be shoved out in the cold streets.
And because I am such a criminal,
People can do as they wish and please,
So now I am on the streets,
Getting mushy trash thrown at me by tourists.
And they laugh and say, "My! What an unusual weird looking creature!"
I can't even get a good decent shower in here.

So now, if you ever see an obese, filthy, hairy, disgusting, homeless, clotheless person
stuck in a cage,
fighting off rats in the nearby bush just to grab some puny berries for dinner
(and - guess what? - the rats won!)...

DEAR CHILDREN, DO NOT FEAR:
THIS DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T GET YOUR PRESENTS THIS YEAR.
There'll be plenty more Santas where I came from.
Because, maybe you didn't know, but
Saint Nicolas wasn't immortal.
In fact, I am the sixteenth Santa.
And may I warn you that once you grow up,
Little children, don't run for Santa.
Or this is how you'll end up; it's always been the same.
Please do not feel any shame,
YOU SPOILED UNGRATEFUL PUNY LITTLE BASTARDS!

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