Entry tags:
OUT OF LOVE
What's *always* on my mind since 2014? The formulation comes just now: fatigue. Incredible fatigue from all the beautiful words spoken by Russians in Russia about how bad the war is, and how unfortunate it is that wars exist. I just came across an old Voznesenskii poem on the same subject. A beautiful poem... to enjoy in peaceful times. Because it is so abstract. He portrays "two great nations" [US and SU] on the brink of war and compares them to "two hands holding the head of the globe" in regret and despair. But wars don't start by themselves, contrary to poetic depictions of them. One side initiates them, trespasses on the border of the other country, and that is how the war starts.
Let's do away with the false analogies. While it might be true that in conflicts between individual people "both sides are wrong," it is not the same with countries and with wars between them. It is not the same, because it is not a spontaneous move - to start the war. It takes preparation, years of it; it takes multiple documents to sign, it takes incredible amount of organized effort - to start the war. Two sides do NOT just meet up in the field, hugging and saying to each other lovingly, "hey, buddy, how about some war? are you in?" "sure, what a lovely idea, let's do it!"
There SHOULD NOT have been "polite green people" from Russia crossing Ukrainian border in 2014. It is as simple as that; all that ensued was just a logical outcome of this one single utterly wrong step across the neighbor's border.
And the fact that Russian troops were not met (back then) with unequivocal, massive resistance shows NOT what the Russian propaganda claims - that such intrusion was "justified" or "welcome" - but quite the opposite: it shows that Ukraine did not expect such a backstabbing move, did not plan to be at war with Russia, did not want to spill blood, and that Ukraine gave "the big brother" the benefit of doubt even at the point of no return, even when all doubts should have been cast aside.
With all the brave individuals standing in pickets out there next to Bulat Okudzhava's statue and elsewhere, with all the clever words spoken in Aesopian language on You-Tube channels, etc., does a letter exist that could counterweight the 2014 infamous letter signed by Oleg Tabakov and Co, which approved of Putin's intrusion? Does such letter exist - in 2014, signed by as many famous people, saying NO to the invasion?
I see no point in following the news ever since. I lost my love for all things Russian. I cannot bring myself to "like" my dear friends' achievements (theatre plays, publications, etc.) for as long as they take place in Russia or on behalf of Russia. I understand, and I appreciate, but I just can't. It's like an allergy to food you used to like. You may like it, but your entire body is rejecting it. It no longer satisfies your hunger: for truth, for wisdom, for love, for sincerity. It is all undermined by this one simple fact: Ukraine was invaded, people were killed and displaced, and NO massive protest ensued in 2014. I cannot change this fact. No one can.
So what to do now? We've been through denial, through anger, negotiation (I mean inner negotiation), sadness, all that. Now we just accept. We accept the fact that the war has started. It started in 2014, with the first centimeter of the trespassed Ukrainian border. It happened. They did it. They were there. And now the war is just running its course. We may hope it stays latent, so less people die, or we may hope a more violent development, with more people dead, will end it sooner. But you cannot reverse the process.
And no, it is NOT the same as in Israel. Because no one asked the Arabs' unanimous agreement to change the borders. The big European guys and the US decided the fate of that land. I stand with Israel, but Europe and the US decided its fate by neglecting the complexity of the situation. In the Ukrainian case, nothing was complicated, and no "NATO" decided anything: Ukraine was already there, never disappeared from the map, Ukraine was already independent, Russia guaranteed Ukraine peace, and protection of borders, and respect, and Russia lied and betrayed Ukraine.
A clear act of betrayal, "clear as a young Komsomol girl's tear," as Venichka Erofeev once said.
Had I been a truly educated person, I would find it in myself to start a new life: to add Ukrainian culture to my Russian culture, to make Ukrainian my first, rather than second language, and this way to retain my love of the Russian culture as well. But I am fatigued. I cannot relate. Russia is disintegrating within me, dissolving slowly, and leaves a void.
Maybe this void was there from the very start. There was no love, and now I can see the void. And the sight of the void is better than pretense love. It is a form of love, if you wish: I can offer you what I have, and what I have is a void. So don't fall for it, stay away, stay safe and sound, CONTINUE BEING. That is my form of love. And if Russia just had this small love for Ukraine, it would do just that: get the F out and let Ukraine be. Just let Ukraine be. Get out. Out of love.
Let's do away with the false analogies. While it might be true that in conflicts between individual people "both sides are wrong," it is not the same with countries and with wars between them. It is not the same, because it is not a spontaneous move - to start the war. It takes preparation, years of it; it takes multiple documents to sign, it takes incredible amount of organized effort - to start the war. Two sides do NOT just meet up in the field, hugging and saying to each other lovingly, "hey, buddy, how about some war? are you in?" "sure, what a lovely idea, let's do it!"
There SHOULD NOT have been "polite green people" from Russia crossing Ukrainian border in 2014. It is as simple as that; all that ensued was just a logical outcome of this one single utterly wrong step across the neighbor's border.
And the fact that Russian troops were not met (back then) with unequivocal, massive resistance shows NOT what the Russian propaganda claims - that such intrusion was "justified" or "welcome" - but quite the opposite: it shows that Ukraine did not expect such a backstabbing move, did not plan to be at war with Russia, did not want to spill blood, and that Ukraine gave "the big brother" the benefit of doubt even at the point of no return, even when all doubts should have been cast aside.
With all the brave individuals standing in pickets out there next to Bulat Okudzhava's statue and elsewhere, with all the clever words spoken in Aesopian language on You-Tube channels, etc., does a letter exist that could counterweight the 2014 infamous letter signed by Oleg Tabakov and Co, which approved of Putin's intrusion? Does such letter exist - in 2014, signed by as many famous people, saying NO to the invasion?
I see no point in following the news ever since. I lost my love for all things Russian. I cannot bring myself to "like" my dear friends' achievements (theatre plays, publications, etc.) for as long as they take place in Russia or on behalf of Russia. I understand, and I appreciate, but I just can't. It's like an allergy to food you used to like. You may like it, but your entire body is rejecting it. It no longer satisfies your hunger: for truth, for wisdom, for love, for sincerity. It is all undermined by this one simple fact: Ukraine was invaded, people were killed and displaced, and NO massive protest ensued in 2014. I cannot change this fact. No one can.
So what to do now? We've been through denial, through anger, negotiation (I mean inner negotiation), sadness, all that. Now we just accept. We accept the fact that the war has started. It started in 2014, with the first centimeter of the trespassed Ukrainian border. It happened. They did it. They were there. And now the war is just running its course. We may hope it stays latent, so less people die, or we may hope a more violent development, with more people dead, will end it sooner. But you cannot reverse the process.
And no, it is NOT the same as in Israel. Because no one asked the Arabs' unanimous agreement to change the borders. The big European guys and the US decided the fate of that land. I stand with Israel, but Europe and the US decided its fate by neglecting the complexity of the situation. In the Ukrainian case, nothing was complicated, and no "NATO" decided anything: Ukraine was already there, never disappeared from the map, Ukraine was already independent, Russia guaranteed Ukraine peace, and protection of borders, and respect, and Russia lied and betrayed Ukraine.
A clear act of betrayal, "clear as a young Komsomol girl's tear," as Venichka Erofeev once said.
Had I been a truly educated person, I would find it in myself to start a new life: to add Ukrainian culture to my Russian culture, to make Ukrainian my first, rather than second language, and this way to retain my love of the Russian culture as well. But I am fatigued. I cannot relate. Russia is disintegrating within me, dissolving slowly, and leaves a void.
Maybe this void was there from the very start. There was no love, and now I can see the void. And the sight of the void is better than pretense love. It is a form of love, if you wish: I can offer you what I have, and what I have is a void. So don't fall for it, stay away, stay safe and sound, CONTINUE BEING. That is my form of love. And if Russia just had this small love for Ukraine, it would do just that: get the F out and let Ukraine be. Just let Ukraine be. Get out. Out of love.